Facebook is a funny thing. Honestly, you never know what you’re really going to get when you pop on The Book. Will you see a hostile political rant? A funny meme about cats? A pregnancy/engagement announcement? It’s a veritable grab-bag of posts that can either make you dry heave, bust out laughing or hard core eye roll. Just spin the wheel of fun.
But sometimes, Facebook can catch you off guard a little bit. Throw you for a loop.
Well tonight, that happened. And it came in the form of a photo. Of this guy, with whom I’ve kinda had a Ross/Rachel friendship-with-romantic-undertones kind of a deal.
Weak at the knees. You feel me?
But for the last month or two, I’ve completely given up on this guy. Moved on. Tucked away my feelings for him in the “never gonna happen” part of my brain, right next Johnny Depp and Grant Gustin.
But seeing this photo tonight… it sparked a longing in my heart.
Now please, people. Don’t get the wrong idea. Not that kind of longing.
But the kind of longing in my heart for someone to love or perhaps more accurately, someone to love me.
Because the truth that I came to this evening, was that I have a lot of love to give. And I want to give someone that love. I want that with every fiber of my broke and messed up being.
I’ve notoriously been a “bottler” when it comes to my feelings, and I’ve gotten better at that. But I’m pretty stoic when it comes to my feelings. I definitely am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to wear a strong face. Keep up the facade that I’ve got it all together.
But sometimes when no one is around and I’m anonymous in the sea of humanity, I let my guard down and allow myself to just…Feel.
I don’t know, maybe I’m a bit of a masochist, but I turn on my songs and take a walk by the trees and just cry. And I’m gonna be honest: it feels really good, in an emotional release/allowing-myself-to-be-“emo” kind of a way.
But walking along this evening, I came to three realizations.
First: I do trust that God (though I am an atheist, I believe some universal energy does exists, let’s call that energy God in here) has the right man for me out there somewhere. And I will meet him at the right time. God will bring him into my life when I am ready.
When I started writing and drawing, I was at a very different place.
Night and day different. Not from a “weight/physical recovery” standpoint, but from a “Who am I, really” standpoint.
Through different times I have truly “unpacked” a lot of baggage. I’ve worked through a lot of things that I had been holding on to. Things that had been hindering me from becoming my true self. Becoming my truly free self.
God has been waiting for me to become whole. To become ready. To become able to love someone, and to allow someone to love me back.
But the second thing I realized is that no man is going to solve that deep longing in my heart. No is going to be able to fill that spirit-level desire to love and be loved.
A man can come close, and provide an earthly satisfaction for those relational desires, but only I can truly fill that need. It is only my self love that will truly satisfy that longing.
So while, yes I may be impatient to love a man and show him affection and give my heart to someone worthy of receiving it, ultimately, the Man I should be giving it to first, is myself.
And in this time that I’m single, that is the relationship I should be focusing on and working on.
The last thing I realized, is that, it’s okay to be angry and sad and feeling these annoyed/impatient feelings.
Letting myself cry – is okay. Sure, maybe not every night. But I need to acknowledge those feelings. Feel them. And then move on. Not dwell in them. But give them the appropriate recognition, and move forward.
Perhaps I need to take a respite from the old Facebook for sometime. Because, I’m telling you… I see that photo, and I get a little… shall I say..