Happy Realisation..

Happy Realisation..

Facebook is a funny thing. Honestly, you never know what you’re really going to get when you pop on The Book. Will you see a hostile political rant? A funny meme about cats? A pregnancy/engagement announcement? It’s a veritable grab-bag of posts that can either make you dry heave, bust out laughing or hard core eye roll. Just spin the wheel of fun.

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But sometimes, Facebook can catch you off guard a little bit. Throw you for a loop.

Well tonight, that happened. And it came in the form of a photo. Of this guy, with whom I’ve kinda had a Ross/Rachel friendship-with-romantic-undertones kind of a deal.

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Weak at the knees. You feel me?

But for the last month or two, I’ve completely given up on this guy. Moved on. Tucked away my feelings for him in the “never gonna happen” part of my brain, right next Johnny Depp and Grant Gustin.

Image result for grant gustin gif

But seeing this photo tonight… it sparked a longing in my heart.

Now please, people. Don’t get the wrong idea. Not that kind of longing.

But the kind of longing in my heart for someone to love or perhaps more accurately, someone to love me.

Because the truth that I came to this evening, was that I have a lot of love to give. And I want to give someone that love. I want that with every fiber of my broke and messed up being.

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I’ve notoriously been a “bottler” when it comes to my feelings, and I’ve gotten better at that. But I’m pretty stoic when it comes to my feelings. I definitely am not one to wear my heart on my sleeve. I like to wear a strong face. Keep up the facade that I’ve got it all together.

But sometimes when no one is around and I’m anonymous in the sea of humanity, I let my guard down and allow myself to just…Feel.
I don’t know, maybe I’m a bit of a masochist, but I turn on my songs and take a walk by the trees and just cry. And I’m gonna be honest: it feels really good, in an emotional release/allowing-myself-to-be-“emo” kind of a way.

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But walking along this evening, I came to three realizations.

First: I do trust that God (though I am an atheist, I believe some universal energy does exists, let’s call that energy God in here) has the right man for me out there somewhere. And I will meet him at the right time. God will bring him into my life when I am ready.

When I started writing and drawing, I was at a very different place.

Night and day different. Not from a “weight/physical recovery” standpoint, but from a “Who am I, really” standpoint.

Through different times I have truly “unpacked” a lot of baggage. I’ve worked through a lot of things that I had been holding on to. Things that had been hindering me from becoming my true self. Becoming my truly free self.

God has been waiting for me to become whole. To become ready. To become able to love someone, and to allow someone to love me back.

But the second thing I realized is that no man is going to solve that deep longing in my heart. No is going to be able to fill that spirit-level desire to love and be loved.

A man can come close, and provide an earthly satisfaction for those relational desires, but only I can truly fill that need. It is only my self love that will truly satisfy that longing.

So while, yes I may be impatient to love a man and show him affection and give my heart to someone worthy of receiving it, ultimately, the Man I should be giving it to first, is myself.
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And in this time that I’m single, that is the relationship I should be focusing on and working on.

The last thing I realized, is that, it’s okay to be angry and sad and feeling these annoyed/impatient feelings.

Letting myself cry – is okay. Sure, maybe not every night. But I need to acknowledge those feelings. Feel them. And then move on. Not dwell in them. But give them the appropriate recognition, and move forward.

Perhaps I need to take a respite from the old Facebook for sometime. Because, I’m telling you… I see that photo, and I get a little… shall I say..

-Nithi 🙂


Those mixed feels…

Maybe it’s because I’m listening to some vintage songs, or the fact that I’ve spent the last 30 minutes wistfully looking through old pictures of my family and friends, but here I am, back at the keyboard, taking on a subject that has been weighing on my heart all week.

I’m not going to lie…I found myself lying awake at 2 AM last night, with this pit in my stomach. And no…it has nothing to do with the nerves of excitement I may feel about my day tomorrow.  Or the trepidation I feel about the fact that men are becoming prisoners of technology…

It was because, recently, my feelings have been questioned by a few people.

And I’m going to be really honest here…it hurt.

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Please don’t read this as a cry for affirmation or attention or fishing for praise or anything like that. This is just me, being open and painfully honest with my friends and hoping in times like these this piece of writing will help them too.

The events in the past week made the situation take a 180 degree turn. And it has left me with a jar of mixed feelings. So it hurts when you are not sure about things yourself and someone comes out of the blue and asks how you feel about the whole situation. Have you experienced something of similar sought?

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Having mixed feelings often causes confusion and can leave you feeling uncomfortable, exhausted, and stuck.
The term “mixed feelings” has multiple and often competing emotions about a person or situation. This according to people occur because one has encountered a new person, a new situation, new behaviors, or new information to process.

Hold on! Having conflicting feelings does not only apply to a romantic relationship or a brand new relationship. These feelings can happen with a friend, family member, or co-worker as well, someone you already know very well. Take an example that might be when you love and admire your best friend because she is caring and kind. Yet you simultaneously feel jealous, because she is popular and holds the attention of those around her. Confusing right?!

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Yes, all of us come across such kind of feelings on regular basis and no there is no escaping them. Feelings will come (obviously that is why they are termed “Feelings -the ones you feel”) but to overcome those or make sense out of them is totally up to us.

In order to deal with mixed feelings toward someone or a situation, you need to identify your own feelings, look for a solution, and ask for help when you need it.

Every one of us deals with situations in different ways, but here are some tips that can come in handy when dealing with the terrible scenarios of mixed feelings (these help me every time):

  1. Identify your feelings: I know it sounds odd saying that we need to understand what you are feeling (you wouldn’t have called them mixed if you knew what they were) but that is the only way you’ll get out of those. The process is quite simple:
  • Take a deep breath
  • Forget what is happening around you and relax
  • Now that you are relaxed, think about what led you feel the way you are feeling right now
  • Find the source for your unrest

It will be difficult but once you are done with identifying the second step will be easier for you.

  1. Look for a solution: Since you know the cause you can work on a way to eliminate it.

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Are those feelings because you like someone? Well the answer is self-evident- go tell that person. Are those feelings because you are unhappy with your career choice? If yes, why not find something that makes you happy!

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  1. Ask for help if you need: Sometimes the best answers come to us when we talk to people. Not necessarily that you go to a person and crib about your feelings and your state of mind. Start with the generals, talk about random stuff, talk about what happened and how it affected you, tell them how you are trying to cope with your situation and it is in these moments of conversation sometimes the solution pops up in your mind.

You may or may not agree to the person’s advice but talking makes the condition lighter for you.

In the end I’d like to say only one thing

“Feeling unsure and lost is all part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.”

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P.S: All the crazy feelings of the past week actually made some sense to me while writing this.Because I remembered a talk with my friend, he said “Give time some time and it will all  be fine”
-Nithi 🙂



Every time I hear the news of a relative of mine passing away, my mind immediately runs through the fact that how life changes once our loved is no more there to be loved, or to love us…

- Why do all the best people die? - When you're in the garden, which flowers do you pick? - The most beautiful ones. - Exactly.:
source: pinterest

The loss does not hit us immediately tough, after a few days or weeks is when the reality actually stars to sink in.. The person is gone forever, they are not coming back like they used to when he/she left for work or an outing. You will miss them!! You miss them in the times you’d like to share, you’ll miss them in your sorrows and happiness, you’ll miss them smile, you’ll miss them laugh. You’ll miss them in tiny moments of your life..

Missing You Comes In Waves, Tonight I'm Drowning:
source: Pinterest

And in times like these when you are already in grief for the loss, people will try to console you with words like “give it time, you’ll get over it” or “stay strong” or they will give you hope by saying “they are somewhere watching you”. But the truth is, nothing said will help you stop missing them.. It will hurt!

This quote is so true. Today, is my first Father's Day without my father. A sad milestone, even though I can feel his presence in my life every day.:
We hide our tears when we say their name,
But pain in our heart is still the same.
Although we smile and seem carefree
There’s no one who misses them more than we…

I miss you so much it hurts.......:
source: Pinterest

I know, it might seem harsh when I say you don’t get over it or it hurts and you’ll miss that person.. But that my friend is a self learnt fact. No matter how hard we try to forget but they will be remembered, not because they died and we have to, but because you loved them.. With time we just learn to avoid our pain. It’s a curious thing how it works, how elaborately and unconsciously careful we are to protect our most delicate parts. Instinctively, the spider spins the web; just as automatically the human shields the heart.

I always thought the best medicine to sorrow is anger. We get angry that we did not do anything that could have saved the person.

I know there was nothing I could do... but it is still hard to accept sometimes.  I miss you Baby Sister.  So very much. ---D:

Sometimes we even get angry on that person because they left us alone so soon. We vent our anger on others and sometimes ourselves without realizing that death is inevitable end to the journey of life. And one day or the other we too will be facing the same thing as someone who left us…

I don’t know what dying feels like. Maybe no one will ever know how one feels when one dies. It might be as easy as you turning off a light switch, or it might be something unknown. But I’m sure of one thing, it is not easy for the ones around you… You grieve!
The reality is, you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same again.. Nor would you be the same, nor should you want to..

What they don’t teach you in School..

What they don’t teach you in School..

We’ve been taught history, geography, math and science..
But, NO they don’t teach you this important thing in school..
My life is confusing, and I don’t know what to do!
I thought we just had to stay strong,
I thought we just had to keep holding on..
But this doesn’t help…

Being an adult is all about putting everything you learned in school to the test::
If schools taught us how to live our lives instead of how people have lived I guess the world would be a better place… Less confusion, less complications, less crimes!

When I was a kid I always thought adults have their life sorted and I always wanted to grow up soon, so that even I’ll have all those things that adults have.
But its a sad truth that as you grow up your life instead of sorting out becomes even more complicated… And we have no idea what we are doing, we just keep pretending!

Becoming an adult is all about learning from your elders:

I sometimes wish we could turn back time, to the good old days.. when our mumma sang us to sleep, but now we are stressed out…
Stressed what to do..
Stressed how to do..
Stressed that our decisions might go wrong… it is all so frustrating!

“What to do?!” is a big question.. Whether to figure things out or to go with the flow? Should we do this or that..
If someone could come up and tell us what to do wouldn’t that be a great help.. Or at least show us how to answer them then life would be easy…
People expect us to behave like adults but little does anyone realize that we don’t know who ‘adult’ really is…
And when asked how the other person expects us to be we are given odd looks and weird statements like: “A adult is  person that has grown to full size and strength.” or “An adult under English law is someone over 18 years old.”
The one thing I never understood is -how does age really define whether one is an adult? How will a person magically turns into an ‘adult’ -who knows his/her responsibilities- when no one has ever mentioned to him what are his responsibilities…???

It's about putting that experience to work:

This transition from a minor to major is scary…
People start acting strange, sometimes one who used to socialize a lot becomes a lonely person who doesn’t want to leave the house.. and sometimes vice versa!
You don’t know WHAT you are doing something for, or sometimes even WHY you are doing it.. You become trapped in the mesh of to be or not to be…

Being an adult is all about creating the perfect schedule:

Life changes!
We leave school and are confused to join college in which stream.. Why doesn’t the SCHOOL tell us which stream will really help us.. Yes they do tell us you can be an Engineer if you take science, or an Psychologist if you take arts.. But why doesn’t anyone tell us how to think, how to bring up an idea.. Why are we still teaching children history when the thing that should be taught is to harness their future, to hone their skills, to learn life skills…
We join college, we are still in a dilemma what will we be doing.. They teach you coding, different languages, different subjects every semester… But even here they forget the important:
How to be happy in life..
How to forgive yourself for your mistakes..
How to make wise decisions..
How not to regret your wrong decisions…

Why is all this not taught to us?? Why is all this left to oneself to figure out?? Why do we have sleepless nights?

But mostly it's about doing this every single night:

All this makes me realize that as we grow up we tend to lose ourselves while we ‘think’ we are trying to find ourselves..
There is no need to go and search for who you are.. You are what you are!!! You are still that kid who believes he can be anything and he becomes one if he wants to..
So no matter what life throws you with, have faith in yourself that even though no one has taught you what has to be done you can do it…
Because kids always believe they can…!!

done adulting | done being an adult for the day… | Funny Pictures and Quotes:

PS: If you too feel that you were not taught what was necessary to live life, let’s teach that to the ones younger to us.. Let’s help out so those young adults can do better adulting..:)

PSS: if you have answers to any of the questions asked here please write to me.. I’m still searching to answers to most of the important life questions..



Its all dark around you…

The sound of falling rain and thunder is all you hear…

No lights, no internet, nothing to do at all…

What does your mind do..?!

It starts doing what it does the best, wandering..;)

I sometimes wonder, why does a mind wander?!


Hold on a second, didn’t the wandering just begin again! It seems like our mind loves playing games,

A deep game I think, because right now I’m lost in the contemplation of wonder and wandering…

At any point of time, the human brain is never switched off. It has a thousand thoughts to think, and a million others waiting in a queue.. Never is a point when there is nothing in the brain..

Even at the point when we think we’ll think of nothing, the thoughts of nothingness crawl into our thinking machine.. “I’ll not think about it” we say, and yet we keep thinking about the same “it”!


Is it true.. Does a thing called “Nothingness” even exist?!

Odd, isn’t it? Because the word itself means ‘the fact of not existing’… There must be something beyond the grave, you know, and not just nothingness!

A complete empty space is not exactly empty, technically it too is filled with air. Even the vacuum is filled with a thing supposedly called anti-matter!


I wonder if the opposite of existence is nothingness. All this is so mind boggling, I’m trying to rationalize the existence of a word that is going to describe something non-existent… Confused?! Me too.. After all these questions I’m starting to questions my own existence..:P

Are we existing? Or its just nothingness right now and we really exist after we die..?!


What is there beyond existence?!

Another life? Is one really transported to Heaven or Hell after one dies? Does that mean for the fruits of heaven one needs to do good deeds here on earth? God knows!!

We may be expecting to go to heaven after we die, but on our judgement day, when we meet our creator..

God asks “so how was heaven?!”



When you speak your mind

If you spoke your mind,  do you think things would be different?!

Do you ever wonder how it would be if you had said something else at that time, a rephrased sentence might have saved the day, words straight form the heart would have changed situations.. Power of words is infinite and so is the power of thoughts.

Words can hurt

Words can heal

Sometimes its the words that make you sound mean.

Someones words can make you think..Its like a small boat in the ocean that is setting big waves into motion. Your one word can brighten someone’s day or can ruin someone’s weeks…

But the questions here is, how much of it should one actually say!?

I always wonder whether what I say really affects someone as words of some affect me?!?!

If I actually spoke my mind, I would be in deep trouble (which most of the times is the case).. My mind runs wild when I’m talking to someone,I experience a range of emotions when some words fall on my ears thus my words are sometimes out before I could think and filter them.

My thoughts are troubled later, regretting why I said what I said. I ask myself in later hours whether what I said was really worth saying, had those words not out would have been better.. I find no solution to situations I put myself into….

I know thinking about it afterwards is also not a solution but when you have infinite thoughts infinite scenarios you create, so these afterthoughts are sometimes the reason behave differently… I’m afraid of my thoughts, and the thoughts behind those thoughts creating words I speak to you..

-Nithi 🙂

A very remote part of my brain (One that gets active at times when I’m really bored) just reached out to my thinking cells.. Sending flashing signal.. Asking about “life”..!!

What is life?

Are you living it right?

I have asked myself these question umpteen number of times.. Sometimes even found a convincing answer.. But the problem is: once you come up with a very detailed, and usually very convincing solution to one of these problems; next time an idea comes along refutes the first one, just as convincingly. And the next refutation is just around corner..

I have never understood as to why these questions echo, answer less…

Maybe we humans just don’t have those kind of brains required to solve these kinds of problems..:/

I know its not very me to think that there are things I can’t figure out, but maybe thats my problem. As someone has rightly said “Monkeys can’t be humans, and never will, no matter how long they think about it.”

If this is the thing then why do I think I can figure anything out if I think about it for long enough?!

Which makes me think- Our minds have evolved, just like our bodies. And our bodies can’t do everything, like split in two parts or jump a hundred feet!

There is a great possibility that the Martians might have better brains, and can understand life, freewill, morality and whatnot!

These questions will be here, solutions will always pop up.. Its a matter of choice what u wish to follow,

Living life on your own terms is important!

-Nithi 🙂